Played A Fool
by NiceFwoops
Summary: The worst part was, when Remus looked back on it, he couldn't see it. There was no sign, no sign that Sirius was ready to rip the walls of Remus's world down with his bare hands, laughing maniacally all the while. Remus/Sirius


Disclaimer- I don't own it.

Written for the quidditch league fanfiction competition. my team is the falmouth falcons, i'm the seeker. i wrote a remus/sirius fic cause my girlfriend loves that pairing and mad it so i couldn't think of my prompt song any other way. the song is Get Down On Your Knees And Tell Me You Love Me by All Time Low. Even though pretty much all of the lyrics apply, the ones i specifically used are vers 2 and the chorus.

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"How much for this?"

The owner of the pawn shop watched Remus under a facade of propriety, his gaze greedy under heavy lids. Remus glanced down at the watch he was selling and tried not to feel a prickle of guilt for selling it; it had been a gift to Sirius from his Uncle Alphard shortly before his untimely death and his very timely inheritance.

Then he remembered. Sirius was a murderer and he would never need this watch.

The price he was offered was too low, and haggling hardly brought it up. Remus left the shop with a few more dollars in his pocket and his heart in his shoes.

Over the past few months he'd been pawning Sirius's things, hoping that he would be able to rid himself of his nightmares when they were all gone. In all honesty, he didn't think it was going to work. He doubted memories would be so easily dislodged with the loss of a few material items. Then again, he had nothing to lose.

Nothing to lose. That fact, he thought with a dark chuckle, was something he would never forget.

He closed his eyes and tried not to remember that he was four months behind in rent and he was unemployed and alone and Dumbledore wouldn't let him see Harry and suddenly something _snapped_ and it was all he could do to get home without screaming _'How could you do this to me?'_ because he and Sirius had been more than friends, they had shared a bed since Hogwarts, shared a flat, shared a _life _and now that was gone _forever_.

He had seen the looks, the distrust, the hatred in the Order's eyes. He'd even seen it in Sirius's eyes; he supposed, when it came to Sirius, he'd never know why.

When he had locked himself in the flat he stood there, still filled with rage and confusion and ready to burst. He contemplated punching the wall, but he didn't. Remus Lupin didn't punch walls. Then again, who cared what Remus Lupin did?

Ten minutes later he threw a chair and watched it splinter into pieces.

Remus Lupin didn't care what people thought of him anymore, because there was no one left to judge.

Nonetheless, after he threw the chair he let his shoulders slump and went to bed, because people like Remus Lupin didn't stay angry.

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Remus hated his bed. It was comfortable. It was soft. It had fitted sheets and good pillows and you sunk into it when you slept and the comforter was thick and warm. It reminded him of Sirius. It reminded him of Sirius because Sirius had bought it, had moved it in, had slept on it the first time, had made love to Remus on it. It smelled like Sirius. It _felt_ like Sirius.

If Remus had a job he would tear it up and break it and throw it out the window. He couldn't afford to do those things. Instead, he sat on it and patched his ratty robes and struggled to keep his composure, to stop himself from destroying everything, starting with the bed and ending with the world.

When Remus got up that morning (what morning? did it matter?) he pulled on his clothes and made breakfast by transfiguring moldy bread into toast and stepped outside his door. The world is your oyster, his mother used to say. He'd visited her a month ago, but her pity had been too much for him and he'd ended up wishing he hadn't gone.

The world, in truth, was _not_ Remus Lupin's oyster. The world was a place where he couldn't support himself, couldn't look his fellow wizard in the eye, a place where he was hated and despised for something he couldn't control.

He lived in a world where best friends became murderers and families were destroyed by lies.

The worst part was, when Remus looked back on it, he couldn't see it. There was no sign, no sign that Sirius was ready to rip the walls of Remus's world down with his bare hands, laughing maniacally all the while. He would have sworn on his life that Sirius wasn't capable of betrayal like that; immense cruelty, yes, because Remus had received that end of Sirius more than once, but never, _ever_ betrayal. Sirius had loved James like a brother and Lily like a sister, so much that Remus had wondered how much love was left for him.

When had Sirius-who-loved-James-like-a-brother turned into Sirius-the-Death-Eater? Why hadn't Remus seen it coming? How could Remus have overlooked something like that?

Sometimes, when he woke up in the middle of the night, Remus would pretend that Sirius hadn't done it. He would close his eyes and wish Sirius into bed with him, whispering, "I could never do something like that, how could you ever believe that I could?" and they would kiss and Sirius would make him remember why he would always love Sirius Black. Hours later they would roll out of bed, Sirius messing up Remus's hair because he thought it was funny, grabbing them butterbeer so they could settle in together on the couch and listen to the radio together. Sirius would make stupid lewd comments and bite him where people could see, making Remus blush, and he'd say something hurtful and hastily apologize and it always ended with Remus in tears, because it _wasn't_ that way, it just _wasn't_, and there was nothing Remus could do about it.

When Remus was evicted from his apartment, he was relieved. He stuffed what he could into his suitcase (which had an Undetectable Extension charm placed on it) and said goodbye to Sirius's bed.

He only wished he knew how to say goodbye to Sirius.

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